Endurance runner in training

There are a few things I have learned over the last few weeks:

1. That my own fear has been holding me back even when I thought I was confronting it.
2. That despite my concerns about my own emotional fragility, I know underneath this I have more endurance than even I thought possible.
3. That it really is time for me to stop looking back at my past and wishing I was still there.
4. That it's ok to go to the brink and return. I am still standing afterall.
5. That I would like to achieve something really worthwhile during my lifetime.

Absence of Reason

What on earth is going on?

Seems I might be losing my mind.
Oh well. Apparently it's nothing to worry about.
Apparently it's just nature or nurture taking its collective course.

Oh well - that's ok then, right?

I don't believe it for a second.

I told him, after I'd caught up with myself:
I told the Doc as much.

I said I was being tarnished:
with the same brush.
Without so much as a by your leave.

There's an absence of reason to all this.

Don't worry you're slightly mad.
Just accept it.

Sort of I Ching like in its philosophy
but it seems to lack its wisdom.

I think the only truth I have right now
is that
I have absolutely no idea about absolutely anything,
except that I am really enthralled
by the really fresh green that is emerging from some buds,
by the scents that are arriving with spring,
by the upright latterns of the magnolia tree near a neglected corner of Dulwich Park
and by the promise of butterflies.

When may I emerge from my cocoon?

Learning to swim

Last night, a dancer asked me whether I consciously made space for positivity.
I said I am focusing on my thoughts these days.
My own personal thought policeman.
Actively observing and listening to my internal dialogue.
I find it helps me discard the negative chatter.
It used to be really loud and even angry sometimes.
But it’s not angry anymore, and nor is it loud.
Its persistence seems to have lost its overwhelming power.
It reminds me of when my father taught us to swim in the sea.
It was in Hawaii. The waves were big and strong.
He showed us how to dive through.
I still get anxious, every now and then.
But it feels more like the shudder of a wave as it passes over.