Life post Psychosis

Five episodes, ending over five years ago, when I was diagnosed as bipolar.

The diagnosis somehow still sits uneasily with me - I show no outward signs now - and I wonder whether the medical profession has this continuum wrong. I don't think I'm bipolar now but the psychosis was certainly real. Many deluded moments when reality departed. This blog and my tweets occasionally reflected that.  For my privacy, I moved many of my posts back to being drafts and I deleted my twitter account even though I had amassed a following. Many of my Facebook posts met the same fate.

But time has since moved on.  This month, I got a new job. I start in August. Suddenly I feel as if the challenge is awakening me. Returning to old skills but nurturing forgotten ones. Today I even picked up an Economics textbook.

But when I think about life post Psychosis - I think about my husband. It's a truly valuable, cherished thing in life to have someone who loves and supports you completely. I feel very lucky and fortunate indeed. He's been away overseas this week and is about to come home. I'm excited.

space walking

i verge between the here and the now and sometimes, I'm not entirely sure where I am.
Seems things have changed.
the animals are talking and listening again
and by all accounts i should have lost my marbles
except that the worlds within them
are probably just as legitimate.

Absence of Reason

What on earth is going on?

Seems I might be losing my mind.
Oh well. Apparently it's nothing to worry about.
Apparently it's just nature or nurture taking its collective course.

Oh well - that's ok then, right?

I don't believe it for a second.

I told him, after I'd caught up with myself:
I told the Doc as much.

I said I was being tarnished:
with the same brush.
Without so much as a by your leave.

There's an absence of reason to all this.

Don't worry you're slightly mad.
Just accept it.

Sort of I Ching like in its philosophy
but it seems to lack its wisdom.

I think the only truth I have right now
is that
I have absolutely no idea about absolutely anything,
except that I am really enthralled
by the really fresh green that is emerging from some buds,
by the scents that are arriving with spring,
by the upright latterns of the magnolia tree near a neglected corner of Dulwich Park
and by the promise of butterflies.

When may I emerge from my cocoon?

Phoebe & the Soularium

Part 1: A Rude Awakening

Phoebe was a woman of the somewhat sensitive sort,
who spent much of life worrying and feeling fairly fraught.
But the time had now come for Phoebe to make a big change
and she’d made plans for things to be completely re-arranged.

Her day started off rather ordinarily enough,
even though Phoebe did wake up with a hint of a huff.
The Barbets had woke her before her alarm could bleep-bleep,
so she lost another hour of precious beauty sleep.

“Do you mind?” she asked in a thunderously loud bellow,
to the Crested Barbets which were olivaceously green, gold, red, black, brown, blue and yellow!
“I was trying to sleep!” she pleaded from inside her bed,
but they just glared right back at Phoebe in silence instead.
It wasn’t long, however, before the squawking resumed
and Phoebe was upright in bed as she quietly fumed.
But within moments she felt guilty for saying, “Shut up!”
and so headed straight downstairs to make her morning’s first cup.

She set to making her coffee for the sensitive few
which was a rather different and extremely special brew.
She used milk not from cows but from very small yellow beans;
and coffee not from beans but from the roots of plants, it seems.

So with her non-coffee-coffee, Phoebe went back to bed
and she then asked her cards for guidance, to see what they said.
The answer came from three, which from the pack they did fly high,
Beginnings, upside down, was the first to drop from the sky.

Shortly after the Health card dropped on her all-cotton sheets,
but it was also reversed when it slid between the pleats.
Great Change, upright, was destined as the last to come to rest,
so Phoebe beamed, knowing the outcome would be for the best.

But because Phoebe still fretted about things upside down
it showed in her deep lines across her forehead and her frown.
Phoebe thought through what the middle card was trying to say
and said to no one, “I must take care of my health today.”

Part 2: The Kleenex Factor

Putting Phoebe’s worries just momentarily aside,
perhaps it might not come as any sort of a surprise
that Phoebe envisaged her day would start with an ending;
as it had long been planned as something she’d been intending.

At nine a.m. she went to her last remaining session
with her Head Doctor that she’d chosen for some life lessons.
Every week, she had seen him, for many, many years
in trying to address all her worries and her fears.

Why so long? You ask. Can someone have that many issues?
Well possibly not, but she went through a fair few tissues.
But all in all, there was actually a great deal to be said,
as Phoebe and the Mind Man thought her complex in her head.

Despite this, they agreed magic pills were not for Phoebe
as she wanted to live, despite her Angst, feeling freely.
Even with her worries, she wanted to fully manage
to find her own way out of her hurt and any damage.
Instead, over time, she talked with her Mind Man, Mr Young,
and revealed almost everything and anything she’d done.
They talked and talked and talked and talked and talked a great deal more
Mr Young often questioning: getting right to her core.

Every now and then, they uncovered a hint or a clue
as to what she could or maybe, might, or would even do.
Every now and then, they found order amongst the chaos;
times when her psychotherapy really seemed to pay-off.
Every now and then, she’d talk of happy times in her life
sometimes strangely hidden amongst her troubles which were rife.
Every now and then, she’d realise why she was so distraught
but eventually it was Phoebe who had The Big Thought!


Part 3: Sense & Sensitivity

One day she figured what she needed and wanted to do
was to change her life completely and grow herself anew.
She had realised that day that she wanted to change her job,
her home, her car, and anything that had made her heart sob.

At one point she even stopped phoning a friend – in fact two,
because neither of them were being entirely true.
But it was with mixed feelings that Phoebe said her good-bye.
To her Head Doctor, Mr Young, she explained reasons why:

“It’s as if I feel both brave and afraid,
full of fear, yet I sense hidden delight.
It’s as if I know I’m ready to grow
but I’m scared that I just won’t get it right.
It’s as if I feel the changes inside
are waiting to burst out and come alive.
It’s as if I can sense what will happen,
as if I have the coming future view;
yet this foresight doesn’t really help me
overcome all my fears and worry too.”

Mr Young smiled with reassurance for one last time,
that everything was going to be absolutely fine.
“Remember Phoebe that your own yearnings,
as well as your fears are normal and true;
and all these, your worries and your learnings
will come together to carry you through.
Take heart that you are really on the mend,
and good change will no doubt come in the end.
But please know that whatever you might do,
you may always come back if you need to.”

Somehow she knew he knew she wouldn’t.


Part 4: The Bare Necessities

So with that, Phoebe purposefully made her first big change,
as she realised her new life was now within direct range.
She decided at once to address her one final strife
and bring a complete end to the health worries in her life.

She went immediately to her Doctor, Number Two,
the one for her insides and the really sensitive few.
The first thing she saw walking through the automatic door
were rows and rows of narrow glass shelves and bottles galore!

There were lotions and potions, and remedies for all ills;
each type of medicinal drug, every possible pill;
uppers for this, downers for that, even tranquilisers;
and all the other options for our mad-world survivors.

There were multiple tablets and capsules, soothers, calmers,
immune boosters and bubblers, flower oils and balmers.
Surreal packs of “woozy-losers” were even advertised,
to help those who were fearing a nasty, nauseous demise.

Phoebe walked past the raised platform with the white coated man,
surrounded by scripts scribbled with an illegible hand.
She knew he housed the anti-Ds, including V and P,
but Phoebe’s preference was far more Complementary.

She reached out for the bottle to meet her missing need B,
as she’d already met the others between A and E.
But before buying this brand new, unique, special wonder,
Phoebe suddenly worried about having a blunder:

She double-checked with the Body Doctor, Doc Number Two,
the Insides Man for the super-hyper-sensitive few.
“Are there any sorts of funnies in these here All New tabs,
any funny ills known from the sensitivity labs?”

The Insides Man assured her, “No, no! Not for seven years,
have I had a rash reaction or some semblance of tears!
You’re safely assured there’s no negative harm to be had
from munching on any one of these Alternative tabs!”

So, reflecting on her early morning’s incantation
Phoebe returned home happy with her health dedication.

Now hungry, she got her late-breakfast, rather brunch, ready,
adding nuts and seeds to keep her regular and steady.
With a small sprinkling of sugar in her corn-porridge-stew,
she piled up her pills from her Body Doctor, Number Two.

Phoebe took a green capsule: her multi-purpose number;
and two big white blobs which stopped her from rumbling like thunder.
At last, she took out the new tabs for her missing need B,
which were so bright and colourful she swallowed happily.


Part 5: The Soularium

In two minutes, Phoebe stopped eating and fanned at her face,
as she wondered whether it was chillies that she could taste.
She felt the heat soar,
steaming
round
and round
and round
her cheeks,
before
it
hurtled
straight
down
her
back
like
missiles
that seek.
The burn kept racing,
careering along into her thighs,
all the time, Phoebe feeling
like she was reeling
inside.
It scorched right past her knees,
until it screeched to a sharp
stop,
at the very tips of her toes, and she thought she might pop.
But once at her toes end, the fire turned right back around,
and rushed up to her head where it made an enormous sound!
Poor Phoebe was convinced that she had completely combust,
and was left with only
burnt embers,
grey ashes
and
dust.

Suddenly when all the heat had dissipated and gone,
Phoebe stood up and ventured with some courage to look on.
She wanted to see what her reflection might or may say,
would it give her a clue as to why she had felt that way?

Phoebe was rather startled to immediately see
that she had indeed changed really-rather dramatically.
It was as if she had been dyed from a peachy white hue
to beetroot shade of red-purple and indigo-blue.

With something close to resembling an attack of panic,
Phoebe let out a scream she expected to be manic.
Instead it came out as a sort of operatic song,
one such that even the Crested Barbets could sing along.

It was indeed a new tune she could gloriously sing,
as she lifted her arms which were now two fantastic wings.
Phoebe opened them out and they spread like a feathered fan
into what must have been well over a full eight foot span.

Phoebe laughed as her mouth morphed into an attractive beak,
and a colourful crest grew from her greying widow’s peak.
This was indeed the day that she knew was going to come,
it’s just she wasn’t expecting it to be so much fun!

Phoebe laughed and laughed as the changes were manifested;
for once she didn’t feel as if she were being tested;
she knew she had at last achieved her greatest desire,
emerging out the other side of this internal fire.

Her hoped-for Great Change had been spectacularly achieved,
and it was a rather enormous sigh that she now heaved.
Her prayers had been answered with a loud and flamboyant blast
as Phoebe had been transformed into her Phoenix at last!